New Haven Pride Center

Halloween is drawing near: a time of ghosts and hobgoblins, fears and phantasms. Everybody likes to be scared, don't they?

Maybe not everybody. The parents and other family members of a newly "out" person often have one major thing in common, which is their fear of what the future holds for the loved one. Whether it's a concern that the person will be physically assaulted (a la Matthew Shepherd or some of the other well-publicized cases), or subjected to hatred and ridicule, or even just that the gay relative will lead a miserable and emotionally barren life, fear is a common denominator for many parents of GLBT individuals.

As the moderator for three years now of the New Haven/Shoreline PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter, I see fear as among the top two or three issues that new parents bring to our meetings. For virtually all parents, this is entirely natural: being concerned for your child's well-being comes with the territory of being a parent. The disclosure that the child is different in a way that may attract negative attention can lead to distress, sometimes to an almost unbearable level.

It's important for everyone to be reminded that instances of bias occur, that as much progress as we've made as a society on GLBT issues, anti-gay prejudice is still, sadly, alive and well in many quarters. However, it is also very important for parents to learn, and remember, that simply because the child is gay does not automatically portend a life filled with pain, if not the threat of injury and death. As with so many issues in life today, it is very easy to take away from the internet and other sources ideas that are skewed and highly dramatic. This can happen particularly when a parent is ambivalent about the child's sexual identity in the first place: sometimes the parent's negative feelings about gays and gayness are expressed as a concern for the child's safety, i.e., "You would be so much safer and happier if you weren't gay." 

In our PFLAG meetings, we work to ensure that parents are exposed to healthy, positive images of GLBT people, and that they have the opportunity to ask questions of actual gay people about their own lived experience. This honest interaction was a tremendous help to me, in dealing with my own concerns and worries. Ultimately, most parents do come to the understanding that the majority of GLBT folks do not go through life under constant physical threat, and that their lives are, or certainly can be, just as fulfilling and happy as anybody else's. Parents and others know that the road ahead for the gay loved one may not be as simple and easy as it would be if they were straight, but they also eventually come to appreciate that the different road is unique and wonderful in its own way. 

The Shoreline/New Haven PFLAG chapter meets the third Tuesday of each month from 7:30 to 9 p.m. at the Church of the Redeemer, located at the corner of Cold Spring Street and Whitney Avenue in New Haven. All are welcome. You may contact greaternewhavenpflag@yahoo.com for more information or to be placed on our mailing list.