"Frienemy" of the NHPC, Joan Crawford, offers her own unique take on the holidays in this December 2009 column.
Darlings! The month of December can be easier than you think…
In November you may have been climbing the wall, since Thanksgiving marks the true end to Fall.
With even more holidays looming ahead, these Joan Crawford tips will serve you in good stead.
With your elbow quite recently planted in fowl, I hope you weren’t tempted to throw in the towel.
We all try our hardest to please all the gentry, and now we rejoice with a big horn of plenty.
Thanksgiving to me means the old casting couch—it’s worked like a charm on each studio grouch.
Some vintage, some modern, yet usually stained, these love seats reap fruits from which I have gained.
Beginning my career on four legs at first seemed so far beneath me, yet it sated my thirst.
Now I’m grateful for sharing my Hollywood loins, for my paychecks are greater than merely just coins.
I think that the Pilgrims knew best how to conquer: Share turkey and soon they’ll treat you like a sponsor.
Buying Manhattan for worthless old trinkets, their boats should have been Nina, Pinta, and Or-We’ll- Sink-Ya.
But the holiday season is nearly upon us, and we must be prepared or our fans may soon shun us.
There’s no time like the present for thinking of cards, or your family may seem like they have no regards.
Book that photography session today, a few Xanax will help make your children seem gay.
Their mischief will fade once they’re barely awake, and assure it’s a wrap on the very first take.
Tag your tree early so some family named Davis won't pluck the best spruce, leaving you feeling jealous.
Your guests will respect that you busted your tush—and who doesn’t love a trimmed holiday bush?
Be sure to send out your press releases early, best placement ensures that your message seems pearly.
Endeavor to pick the best tear-jerking cause, for all of the gifts that arrive from Santa Claus.
December should find you just flooded with calls from top-rated stations to broadcast from your walls.
You’ll shine just by reading a holiday story; they’d rather see that than paternity tests with Maury.
They may hear at school that Santa’s a lie, but your children will still stay up trying to spy.
He fills all their stockings, yet you do the work. Where else could you find such a media perk?
But be sure that your children rehearse all their lines, sweet innocence for which the fans surely pine.
From Santa’s kind lap you will re-gift their booty to press-worthy orphans so you'll seem less snooty.
Recruit the whole family, you’re doing no harm; their priceless young faces will work like a charm.
Producers from studios will call you once more, as you sip vodka stingers with offers galore.
With the help of your family you too can recite, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"
Awesome 80’s Bingomania is coming soon on January 16, 2010, and don’t miss the CGMC’s holiday concert series, Sin City Santas. For more details visit www.ctgmc.org.