Darlings! It’s February and love is in the air. Whether you’ve found your soulmate or if you’re still searching, Valentine’s Day has a way of focusing us on our romantic goals. But I ask – what is it we are really craving? Do we crave love? Or do we merely crave the satisfaction of our sexual desires? 

The grass is often greener on the other side. Those in long-term relationships rarely invest the time to make a holiday like Valentine’s Day something special. Once in the relationship for a while, some people take things for granted and forget to make that extra effort to acknowledge their commitment to their spouse. Meanwhile the single guys and gals may feel lonely this time of year and declare that they would never forget to smell the roses and pamper their partner if they could just find that special someone.

If love is the ultimate goal, how is it that people can forget so quickly once they are hitched? Perhaps the answer lies in the nature of sexual desire. We are pre-programmed genetically and fueled by hormones to propagate the species. However, this primitive urge that propels us toward another person comes with its own set of social and moral dilemmas. The ‘infatuation stage’ is delightful, but it is designed to cloud our thinking so we can be fruitful and multiply. Sometimes, after that stage passes, people question what they were even thinking when they starting dating that ‘jerk’. Yet our single friends are still drawn like a moth to a light for what they feel they need.

Let’s face it – there is a difference between love and sex. When they can be combined in a lasting relationship it can be the ultimate reward. Until that union is cultivated, we have to think rationally and not enter into situations that can complicate our lives even more.

What Would Joan Do? I’m so glad you asked. First of all, know the difference between sex and love, and realize that one is not always a prelude to the other. But, with careful strategy, sex can be a wonderful tool for you to get everything you ever dreamed of, if you don’t fall into the infatuation trap. With a clear plan you can have your cake and eat it too.

Here is some advice for my single friends. It is time for you to take control of your sex drive and use it to your advantage. First, begin that exercise program you have been putting off. Make yourself as presentable a temptation as you can. 

Ladies, a firm fanny is the first step to achieving everything that you desire. And for glowing skin, I recommend a vigorous exfoliant scrub rinsed with chilled vodka. Studies have also shown that symmetry plays a huge role in attraction (again that perfect offspring instinct). So, make sure your shoulder pads are always aligned properly.

Gentlemen, the only six pack we want to see you carrying around is your abdomen. You may think that extra ‘inch’ you were blessed with in a certain area may drive your partner wild, but it won’t get you the extra mile in a relationship unless you take care of the rest of your physique. And could you at least make an effort to clothe yourself properly? You should want your mate to think less about dressing you and more about undressing you.

Now, ask yourself what your goal really is. Do you want to cultivate a relationship with this person? Do you want to blow off some steam? Does this person have something to offer you that you can manipulate with your prowess? Yes, I said it. Sex is often the key to achieving a privileged life. I’ve used my toned body to convince many a director to throw a juicy part my way – some even cast me in their motion pictures. But if you are in it for the long haul, don’t be clouded by infatuation and use all of your assets to your advantage. Lead them into the infatuation trap and reap every reward that comes with it. Now, as I warned you, this phase is fleeting, so be sure to have some long-term plans in place to keep the fire burning. For ideas, just refer to my advice for those in a relationship.

If you have already landed the person of your dreams, keep them longing for more. Budget time every day to make your lover feel special. Be a lion or cougar between the sheets. Take time to be sure your partner is satisfied in every way and they won’t go shopping for a newer model. Introduce whatever is necessary – date night, toys, or even the occasional five-some. If all else fails, be sure to have dug up enough dirt from their past so that blackmail is always an option to keep them buying you jewelry.

For my free-spirited friends who are not seeking a relationship, have some fun. You are less prone to infatuation anyway, so don’t deny yourself a good time. But for goodness sake, be careful. With your fast lifestyle you may already be immune to antibiotics so always use the proper protection. 

For my incurable romantics out there, I hope you find everything you are searching for. But don’t sit still and wait for something to fall into your lap. Take charge of your life. Have the courage to introduce yourself to that attractive wallflower. You may find that they are equally bashful and would welcome your advances. If not, and they are rude to you in any way, be prepared with a backup plan. I recommend sipping red wine in social situations. Who could blame a polite young woman for accidentally spilling her entire glass of merlot on his freshly pressed white shirt? It may lessen the dating pool by one, when he is forced to go home and change, but it will only hone your senses on your next target.

Whatever your goal is be prepared, be safe and be happy. I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors and a little help from Cupid, too. I love all of you!

Tags: Joan Crawford