Joan knows exactly how to make 2010 a winning year!

Happy New Year to all of my wonderful fans!!

This is the time of year when we all take a look at our lives and set new goals for the future.   One thing I learned early in Hollywood is that you have to stand up for yourself or they’ll walk all over you in this town.  You can achieve anything you set out to do.  And, with just a little determination, you too can live a life nearly as fabulous as mine.

At the top of many of our lists each year is staying fit.  Daily exercise is important for good health, burning calories and maintaining a tone body.  If you want a backside that your husband can bounce a quarter off of, then you’re going to have to do the work.  For motivational purposes, I recommend working with an experienced trainer.  Choose a handsome man with an impressive resume and an even more impressive physique.  As with any staff, he should wear the appropriate uniform when working with you in your home gym.  Standard trainer attire at the Crawford estate is a Speedo.  Not only will you look forward to seeing him, but when he rounds the corner so scantily clad to greet you, your heart rate will increase immediately and you will start burning calories before your workout even begins.

As your children grow older, you will also need to fine-tune your disciplinary measures and there is no time like the new year for a review.  If you did your job well when they were young there should be no need to beat your children any longer, at least not on a daily basis.  Through the beauty of Pavlovian conditioning, they should by now associate the stern tone of your voice with a potential spanking session and stop the bad behavior at once.  In time, you too can accomplish the same result with just a dart of your eyes.  However, the teenage years bring new challenges.  Inevitably the temptation will arise and they may think to sneak out of the home at night in search of boys, booze or even worse.  It is your job to preserve their morality or their little escapades will come back to haunt you in the press.  Christina and Christopher were pleased not to find coal in their stockings this year, but they were puzzled by the custom-made industrial strength straps and padlocks that they found instead.  These thoughtful gifts from Santa will help keep their growing bodies firmly secured into their beds at night and maintain their angelic reputations that I have worked so hard to present to reporters. 

If a promotion or job change is on your list it is time to come up with a plan now.  Whenever I have been up for a leading role in a motion picture I never let anything stand in my way.  Begin by digging up as much dirt as you can find on anyone competing with you for the job and start leaking it early to ensure that there is enough negative publicity for them when you will need it most.  Then start working any contacts that can influence the final decision.  Have your housekeeper bake as many homemade pies as you need and drop them off personally to their offices along with a lovely note acknowledging their friendship.  It is best to wear a tasteful suit, one that is both professional and provocative.   If the man happens to be there for your impromptu visit and there is a couch in his office, well, you’ll know just what to do.

I hope you will join me this New Year in my continued fight for better treatment and storage of all garments, be they knock-off or couture.  With your help, I can reach my goal for a nation-wide ban on wire hangers by the end of 2010.  It begins with baby steps each of us can take right now.  Setup a scrap metal recycling center in your town where neighbors can bring those pesky intruders and then replace them with multi-colored plastic or padded hangers.  Your clothes will thank you and you will save money in the long-run once your housekeeper no longer has to iron out those horrible creases in the shoulder area and mend the little rips caused by those dangerously sharp hooks.  I will be launching a line of T-Shirts, magnets and bumper stickers to reinforce my message saying, “No Wire Hangers!!”

Together we can change the world and you can begin today by making changes in your own lives.  Stay firmly committed to your resolutions and I wish you all a Happy and Healthy and Wealthy New Year!!